I'm am troubled by my intense liking of songs about serial killers. John Wayne Gacy Jr. by Sufjan Stevens and Westfall by Okkervil River are possibly two of my favorite songs. Actually secret favorite songs. I feel uncomfortable thinking about telling people those are two of my favorite songs. Oh yeah, John Allyn Smith(which is actually one of my fav 5s) and Chicago are of course great, and pretty much any other song by Stevens and Sheff are, but is it okay to be fascinated with serial killers? There are countless movies, and shows (Dexter), that would lead to me say yes, but is it also weird that I'm kind of disappointed lately with today's serial killers? Is Drew Peterson considered a serial killer? Like 3 of his wives died suspiciously. He's so smug too. I want to write about him.

My mother usually reads Nora Roberts books, and trash like that, and she is currently reading Fern Michaels Game Over. The tagline is "The sisterhood believes in promises kept." The summary on the back says the story is about a mysterious sisterhood who is in some sort of political trouble and is relying on a friend (a former sister?) to become a Supreme Court judge so she can help pardon them. The sisterhood has to protect the friend from the media, while fighting for their freedom. I kind of want to know what kind of trouble this sisterhood is in. I flipped to the last page and the last line is "Myra laughed as she teetered toward an empty stall, Annie and a string of cats behind her." Wow, I want to end a story with a string of cats.

Seeing Game Over next to our couch lead me to finally internally reveal something about myself. My mother, well my parents, don't know I want to be a writer. I fear telling my mom, especially, because well, she reads books like Game Over. She doesn't really seem to like any kind of art. I don't think she feels strongly about any piece of music, book or film. I don't understand how we differ so greatly in this regard. And because I am the opposite of her, I feel like my life is a lie. I live two halves. One half is the general "English" major, who wants "to teach" and who is respectful and boring, really. The other half wants to get his M.F.A., see the world, listen to music and watch films and read books that make me feel something and think, and of course get published as well, but more importantly, touch people with my writing. So how do I reveal to her my dreams? I honestly feel that if I were gay, I would have an easier time coming out. I don't mean to diminish the act of coming out, as I can't imagine how difficult it is coming out in a society that is not accepting as it should be, but how do you reveal your dreams to the people who are supposed to be the most supportive, when you fear their negative reactions? I don't want to live the boring life, teaching high schoolers (no offense to high school teachers; I wouldn't feel what I feel today without the guidance I received from them) and wonder for the rest of my life if I could have made it as a writer.